so inexplicably sad today

no, wait.
sad, yes, but possibly not inexplicably

that question -- totally irrelevant supposedly -- maybe hurt me a little
that question
totally irrelevant supposedly
maybe triggered the sporadic release of repressed feels
feels triggered by
expectations,
false hopes,
(not just mine, but others', as well)
and pressure, i guess,
of trying not to let anyone down;

ah, and the complete opposite of pressure, too (*)
the * of trying to hold back
i hate holding back
i hate it, yet do it all the time
probably because it is my only option -- probably always have been my only option
probably the only option i always decide to choose, without noticing

and i don't like being sad
i don't like being alone as much as i love being alone
i don't like dining by myself as much as i love dining by myself
i somehow dislike liking you as much as i love liking you

and don't ask me what point i'm making
or if i were making any point at all
don't
... i'm not even sure myself